The Weight of the Unknown

When I threw my name in the hat for the 5S implementation role, it was far more about getting anything that resembled climbing the company ladder and had very little to do with improving the productivity or profitability the process was geared at achieving. Truth be told, my interests in behavior-based safety, at least initially, were equally self-serving. The fact that each role forced me to learn the difference between barking commands based on authority alone and earning the influence necessary to truly lead served as a seed with tremendous future benefit - even though I wasn’t looking for it when it landed in my lap.

Cindy and I were each working tirelessly to open whatever door we could find to new career opportunities. As our careers grew and developed, so did our kids. Renee was very quiet and helpful through her teens; she’s a high S/I blend if you’re familiar with the DISC Model of Human Behavior (although we didn’t understand that back then). Matt, on the other hand, was anything but quiet. As a very high D/I blend when things were going smoothly, his helpfulness looked and sounded quite different. Toss some stress into the equation and his focus on results is quickly replaced with a deep desire to do everything in his power to ensure there’s fun to be had - whether you want to have fun in that moment or not.

Before I move on, let me explain why that mattered more than two decades ago and why it still does today. When we understand how to recognize primary communication and behavioral styles (based on the DISC Model of Human Behavior), we can usually spot it in children as early as eighteen months old. Had I known that back then, I’m confident that Matt and I would have gotten along much better over the years. Like my 5S and behavior-based safety roles, my natural tendency was to lean into the authority of being a parent. Unlike my professional experience, though, he did not have more tenure and was smaller than me so I could indeed rely on what my position authority as a parent (and I did). That said, the long term results are always better when we lead based on influence rather than issuing directives. More on that later…

To say Matt could be a handful was an understatement. But don’t take my word for it, ask his wife and I’m sure she’ll tell you that he still has that potential today. (You’re welcome to pray for her and Cindy if you’re so inclined!) The teacher Matt had while he was in a Pre-K program was nothing short of wonderful; she understood his desire to be in charge and to have fun, and she provided him with opportunities where those needs were met. That changed in Kindergarten. I won’t name names, but I will say that it was an act of God that the teacher was a woman. Had it been a man, hands would have been thrown for sure. She did nothing to fill his needs or to manage his behavior, leading to committees and the push for medication, because sedating a 5 year old was clearly easier than setting or maintaining clear expectations.

Around that same time, we experienced some odd behavior at home. Cindy, with her strong intuition, quickly realized that it was more than him blowing off our direction and sought out a medical opinion. We soon learned that he was experiencing petit mal seizures. While those are considered minor in the grand scheme of things, it falls in line with the idea of “minor” surgery; the only type of minor surgery is the kind that someone else has. Cindy and I were young in our marriage, in our careers, and had not experienced anything like that. Throw in all the other factors and the stress seemed to multiply.

Everything I had encountered to that point had provided me with at least the illusion of having some level of control. Bad situations like health crises (especially when it’s your child or spouse) expose control illusions; facing them head-on reveals seeds of deeper empathy. Thinking back to the eleven attributes of a leader I shared previously from Napoleon Hill’s work, the eighth rings true here: “The successful leader must be in sympathy with their followers. Moreover, they must understand them and their problems.” Leading a family carries a wildly different dynamic than leading a team in the workplace, and neither sympathy or empathy had been traits I really understood to that point. We’ll look at some of the ripple effects that followed next. First, though, I want you to recall an overwhelming family trial you’ve been through. Jot down the emotions that come to mind, as well as any blind spot you’re now able to identify through that.

Just so I don’t leave you hanging, I’ll share quickly that Matt grew out of the petit mal seizures. Praise God! And despite having that high D blend like me, he’s an amazing son, husband, and dad today.