Pivotal Moments - Choosing Service Over Self

During a recent conversation about an idea for a chapter in a book she’s working on, Cindy shared how she often hears folks confuse explanations with excuses. She detailed how someone she coached was hesitant to go into any specifics about a particular issue because they knew “leaders didn’t make excuses.” Without working through a thorough explanation for the issue, though, there’s little chance of identifying the contributing factors or finding the seeds that would lead to the equal or greater benefit moving forward. If we simply write off any attempt at explaining a bad situation as making an excuse, are we accepting full responsibility for the issue or are we avoiding it (even if that’s not our intent)?

If memory serves, I was working at a facility in Cozad, Nebraska in May 2004 when Cindy called to tell me that her car had broken down yet again. For perspective, we had scraped enough money together for this car after the foggy-morning accident that did in the previous $700 car. I’ve never had a ton of patience with much of anything, but car issues have always seemed to frustrate me more and faster than everything else, likely because I’ve never understood anything about vehicles. Had I been at work in Harrisonburg, it would have still been annoying but at least I could have jumped into my worn out Dodge Dakota to go get her. Being more than halfway across the country and that Dakota sitting in an economy parking lot at some airport compounded the frustration - and helplessness.

If that had been the first time dealing with this type of scenario, I doubt it would have been memorable; I most definitely was not the first time though! At that point, it seemed like every time I got on a stupid airplane to provide training at some other plant, a car broke down. Thank God for a lifelong friend who was a great mechanic and always willing to rescue Cindy when I was gone (more on that another time). It was hard enough for me to provide Cindy with the empathy she needed in those situations; I usually only managed to share some mild sympathy coupled with extreme frustration due to not knowing how or having the means to fix the problem my limited sympathy was directed at. Indeed, excuses would not have served either of us, but a detailed explanation was crucial if we ever hoped to turn the corner. Not an explanation for why the car always broke when I traveled, but an explanation for why we were in a spot where a breakdown wrecked everything else we had going on.

Practicing the limited empathy I could muster (Hill’s eighth leadership attribute) and being willing to accept full responsibility (his tenth leadership attribute) - even for things I felt I had no control over whatsoever - helped me get to a spot where I could begin earning cooperation in these tough spots (the eleventh leadership attribute). Hill defined that by saying, “the successful leader must understand and apply the principle of cooperative effort and be able to induce the followers to do the same. Leadership calls for power, and power calls for cooperation.”

Make no mistake, this “cooperation” was an attempt to manipulate Cindy into doing whatever I said. If anything, it was me working to earn her support as we sifted through every idea we could come up with to get beyond that mess. As much as I enjoyed being able to service my peers in other facilities across the country, my primary responsibilities were at home - and often fighting issues with that piece of shit car. As a quick side note on that car, the breakdowns were just part of the problem. Any time we got a hard rain, we could count on having several inches of water standing on the passenger side floorboard. That was my first sunroof experience and I’ve been permanently scarred since.

Things didn’t change overnight following that phone call about the breakdown while I was in Cozad, NE but it did serve as a pivotal moment; I began looking for ways I could intentionally choose to serve my family over myself (read: my ego). That demanded brutal honesty and selfless action, neither of which were comfortable. But both were mandatory if I wanted to show genuine empathy and cultivate the cooperation necessary for the leadership foundation I need to rise about the mess we were dealing with.

Before moving on, let’s clarify something: earning leadership at home is much like earning leadership in a professional environment. But we can’t confuse either with managing behavior through the authority we think we have based on a title (executive or parent). If we apply each of the leadership attributes I’ve referenced here, we have a shot of earning the influence necessary to lead even when we’re not physically present. Without that influence, our best hope is for compliance while we’re standing over someone’s shoulder - be that our employees or our family members - and that’s not leadership.

Believe it or not, some of the toughest issues we face in our personal lives can serve as valuable seeds that grow into professional growth. Next, we’ll work through how navigating these pivotal moments effectively can help empathy, cooperation, and responsibility emerge. Now, though, I’d like for you to identify one family pattern (past or present) needing a pivot. Then commit to one clear first step you can take immediately - and commit to it.