Mentor to Influence, Never Control

As we looked at how pursuing mentorship could help maximize the return on investment in relationships and how paying that forward by developing others serves as our own path to leadership, I stressed how powerful being mentored is and the true difference we can make by identifying those around us that we can mentor. While I’ve listed a handful to this point, I’ve been blessed with a bunch of great mentors in my life who have taught me more than I’ve deserved and so much more than I could have ever learned on my own. I’ve had some sort of reporting relationship with a few of them and none whatsoever with others. I have worked directly with many of the people I’ve attempted to pass some of those lessons onto, but I’ve never had an employee who reported directly to me so I can’t speak from that perspective personally. Regardless of where I’ve been in the mix, mentee or mentor, the power mentoring has had in the relationship came solely from influence; never the title.

The one thing I’ve never seen in effective mentorship, whether a reporting relationship existed or not, has been a desire to control or maintain strict authority. Humility not only counters any awkwardness that can come with positional authority, it also earns tremendous influence in any mentoring relationship. Control through authority stifles initiative and kills even the slightest perception of empowerment. Attempting to exert control, even when masking it as mentorship, is a fast track to disaster. 

Several years before starting Dove Development & Consulting, Cindy and I were involved in a side project. There was no formal reporting chain but there was a significant hierarchy. There were a few folks we dealt with who were solid people and earned influence through the time and compassion they invested in others. (One was the veterinarian I referenced previously who taught me how much communication matters…) Far too many, though, did all they could to establish control of everyone around within that perceived hierarchy while calling it mentorship. I had a hot and cold relationship with one of them for several years. It was hot when he needed me for something and cooled off really fast each time I called him on the various bull shit he would attempt to pull. Through it all, he had established himself effectively within that hierarchy and loved every bit of the authority he thought it gave him. Around 2010, I brought a very tumultuous issue to his attention. Since dealing with it would have forced him to address one of the folks who had drunk his Kool-Aid, he chose to push me and Cindy away instead. So be it… There are plenty of ways to make money; my character has never been for sale.

Over time, his constant need to control everyone around him - all while calling it mentorship - led that train completely off the tracks. Of the many issues that came to light over time, one included his mugshot making the papers in the town he moved to after alienating everyone who dealt with him in his hometown. Interestingly enough, his newfound fame was very similar in nature to the issues I took to him years prior and he refused to address. Oops..

Whether there’s a direct reporting relationship (like the one I had with Kevin for so many years) or none at all (with each of the behavior-based safety committee members), effective mentorship earns influence when there’s an empowerment to lead, surpassing any actual or perceived authority. Kevin had positional authority over me but chose to mentor me through the influence he had earned by investing time into me. Since I never had positional authority, my only choice was to do all I could to earn influence. That influence has allowed me to serve as a mentor to dozens directly and even more indirectly. When approached with authenticity, influence can overcome even the most ingrained hierarchies, and we’ll look at that next. Before that though, I’ll challenge you to find one person you can offer guidance to within the next week without enforcing your position, fostering their growth and building your influence.