The Cost of Standing

After the sit-down with the organization’s CEO and nursing director, firmly (but still appropriately) calling bullshit on the social media post, and having routine direct conversations about our expectations for how Granny was cared for - as often as we could get someone to actually answer the phone - every possibility of a positive or collaborative relationship with that group was essentially gone. The biggest lesson I pulled from that has been one that’s carried over to every relationship I’ve had or seen, personal or professional. If someone steps away from the relationship (or scraps it completely) when their shortcomings are pointed out, especially in a private or one-on-one setting, it wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with. Make no mistake, this isn’t a free pass for airing dirty laundry publicly and expecting no recourse; I won’t play very nicely with anyone who chooses that path either. But severing ties with someone having a conversation about basic accountability points to some significant issues. And it exposes what those so-called relationships were based on to begin with.

I could share all kinds of crazy experiences Cindy and I have seen from that, immediately and still today. But I won’t. What I will do is challenge you to think through the times you’ve been the one who had to have the tough conversation and the person on the other end chose not to receive any of it. What was the cost? Was the relationship strained? Did it end completely? Were you isolated from certain people who were connected with both of you previously? Don’t misunderstand me here: I’ve seen this happen in professional situations nearly as often as I’ve seen in personal ones. And I’m sure you have as well.

Several years ago while coaching a department manager, we were routinely looking at issues with one of their team members. This team member had experienced some rough times personally and this manager had been something of a counselor for them through most of it. They’d built a solid friendship in that time, or at least that’s how the manager saw it. All said, the team member’s performance would have had to improve dramatically to be mediocre and none of the issues were tied to the capability; each was a daily choice. In the Advantage-series revision of The Values Advantage and in the Values Optimization Implementation Guide, Cindy and I detail how not addressing a choice to live up to a value is in fact showing approval for that behavior. My recurring feedback to that manager was that he was actually doing a disservice to that particular team member, as well as the rest of his team, by not addressing the failure to meet expectations. 

All too often, the folks I make suggestions like that think I’m advocating harsh disciplinary action, up to and including termination. I won’t say that’s never the case because some things absolutely warrant it, but those are definitely the exception and never the rule. Avoiding the conversation is never an option IF we hope to maintain respect as leaders - and that often carries a cost.

The manager finally had the conversation, albeit far too late to change the patterns that had become embedded and only after everyone involved was completely fed up. It wasn’t received well at all. The team member lashed out at the manager, leaving that manager feeling like they had alienated the “friendship.” I pointed out that the team member continuing to put this manager in that position was evidence that the friendship had only ever gone one way.

Here’s the harsh reality: Definiteness of decision, be it in caregiving battles or holding someone accountable in any scenario, can require being willing to burn the ships on what we see as solid relationships. We cannot remain silent simply because it’s convenient. When the relationship is real, rather than a facade based on one party receiving what they need without any accountability in return, these moments forge an unshakeable alignment between values and action. Throughout Leveraging Leadership Growth, I pointed to things I learned from Terry Ward and Rod Little. Likely more than every other mentor combined, those two provided me with examples of being willing to accept the cost of standing when it wasn’t convenient or comfortable.

Moving forward, we’ll dig into how doing exactly that hones cooperation through conflict. Before that, though, think about one area where speaking up for the vulnerable, or simply addressing an issue that long past needing addressed, still feels costly. Identify the step you can take within the next week toward principled action.