Receiving Feedback Without Losing Confidence

To have any hope of taking advantage of the untapped power of honest feedback, we absolutely must develop the skill set of accepting that feedback without justifying our existing performance or allowing the feedback to eat away at our confidence. I mentioned earlier how much it stung, especially early on, when Terry would pull me into his office and point out things I’d need to work on when covering information in front of a group. I remember several times where I was quick to explain why I did whatever I did. I can still picture him nodding his head patiently until I finished, then politely explaining exactly how what he was suggesting would help me achieve better results. I’m forever grateful that he never gave up on me through what had to be an incredibly painful process where he had nothing to gain and it routinely sucked up time in his extremely busy schedule. Over time, that interaction has built a powerful alliance for honest dialogue - and we’ll dig into that more shortly.

Terry was always intentional about highlighting even the smallest steps I had taken to implement his previous suggestions as well as areas where he saw me excelling. Even when pointing out opportunities where I could improve, he was careful to make sure his delivery didn’t eat away at the little bit of confidence I had at that point. That’s so helpful when we’re receiving feedback, and something we should all keep in mind when we’re the one delivering that feedback!

Not long ago, I sat down beside a mentor immediately after Cindy and I delivered a keynote for one of the largest audiences we’ve spoken for. While I’ve been speaking in front of groups for over two and a half decades, the human part of me still wants that message to go over well and be accepted by the people we’re sharing with. This particular time came with even more pressure based on the event we were at and the global responsibility this mentor holds. Before he pointed out his favorite parts about our delivery, he made sure I could see the impact we had made on the crowd through his eyes. He even called me out on looking at any potential negatives first, and I definitely had been just before that! After detailing several things that he was very impressed with, none of which were taken lightly since he routinely works with some of the most influential leaders on the planet, he mentioned three specific things he thought we could work to improve. As the day went on, during his scheduled speaking spots at the same event, he showed me exactly what each of those things could look like in practice. 

Had he not been as intentional as he was to build my confidence first, I’m not sure I would have received his suggestions as openly - and I’d like to think I’ve built a strong self-image. Just like the primary driver in me wanting to show Terry that I was applying what he had taught me, I wanted this mentor to be proud of us too. Interestingly enough, his approach to offering that Alliance Feedback after our keynote was nearly identical to what Terry had followed so many years prior, and to the feedback methodology we taught in behavior-based safety. 

There’s one key point I need to stress before we go any further: we all need to be very cautious about who we actively solicit feedback from. A harsh reality of the world we live in is that not everyone wants to see us succeed. Many people are very willing to criticize and have no interest whatsoever in us ever achieving anything of significance. In fact, a lot of them would prefer we fail miserably so they don’t look like lazy schmucks. While I’m not suggesting that we can’t learn something from even the most toxic person, we’d do well to take it with a grain of salt so that confidence we’ve worked so hard to build isn’t destroyed by some jerk that’s not doing anything positive for anyone around them.

As we build alliances that allow for routine honest dialogue, our professional relationships get stronger and we unlock more of our leadership potential. Before we work through how we can do this, I’ll challenge you to consider who the people are in your life that you can count on for the kind of feedback that helps you grow without eating away at your confidence. I’ll also challenge you to work on being someone who can provide feedback to others in a way that doesn’t impact their confidence.