The Unexpected Storm

Without experiencing some of the challenges and barriers I fought through during high school, regardless of how insignificant they seem now, I wouldn’t have had the foundation to navigate my early career stumbles in order to make the necessary pivots. Even minor adversities can play a tremendous role in preparing us to face what comes next. That said, our professional lives seemed to be clicking right along through the first year or two of our marriage. Cindy has excelled in every role she’s ever held. My move from supporting the not-so-welcome 5S implementation to facilitating the behavior-based safety process had been amazing. There were certainly bumps along the way, but even those served as great learning experiences. And by late 2002 or early 2003, I received the first request to support another facility within the company whose BBS process was struggling; truth be told, it had been kicked to the curb and requesting my support was a last-ditch effort to get it going again…

Professionally, Cindy and I had each built some positive momentum. However, our personal lives were a different story. The fact that I had stopped drinking by this point may well be one of the primary reasons she tolerated me through all the other crap we’ve had to navigate together.

As I share this, Cindy and I are incredibly thankful for our family; two great kids who both have wonderful marriages, and six grandkids. However, getting here required keeping our kids alive early on. If you have kids, or if you’ve ever been around kids, you know that’s sometimes much easier said than done. Even the most exciting professional “wins” seem hollow when home life feels like it could unravel at any moment. Tough family situations demand every bit as much leadership as any title we’ll ever hold; many times far more when a child is counting on you and only you for support and a solid example.

Several years ago while attempting to mentor a young man who was the heir-apparent in his family’s business, I suggested that he look into a few resources that would position him for the leadership role he’d be taking on over the decade that followed. He latched onto some of the suggestions but stiff-armed many because each would require time he didn’t feel like he had. I emphasized that as busy as I thought he was in that moment, he’d never be less busy from that point on. I didn’t share that out of arrogance, but from real life experience!

When Cindy and I met, we each maintained full schedules. As we built our lives together, our schedules overlapped but became even more demanding. Not only did each new professional opportunity require more from each of us, our kids also seemed to need more and more as they grew. For whatever reason, locking them in a closet or tying them to a tree in the back yard is frowned upon.

In the best of times, every minute of every day seemed to be packed. And then there were the more difficult times. We’ll look at how the weight of the unknown can become a daily reality next - and how that provides a kind of adversity a job rarely will. Until then, reflect on a family challenge that caught you off guard and think about how a busy professional schedule may have caused you to miss the early warning signs. What seeds may still be hidden that could lead to an equal or greater opportunity now?

The Weight of the Unknown

When I threw my name in the hat for the 5S implementation role, it was far more about chasing any opportunity that even remotely resembled climbing the company ladder and had very little to do with improving the productivity or profitability the process was geared at achieving. Truth be told, my interests in behavior-based safety, at least initially, were equally self-serving. The fact that each role forced me to learn the difference between barking commands based on authority alone and earning the influence necessary to truly lead served as a seed with tremendous future benefit - even though I wasn’t looking for that particular seed when it landed in my lap.

Before I move on, let me explain why that mattered more than two decades ago and why it still does today. When we understand how to recognize primary communication and behavioral styles (based on the DISC Model of Human Behavior), we can usually spot it in children as early as eighteen months old. Had I known that back then, I’m confident that Matt and I would have gotten along much better over the years. As with the 5S implementation position initially, my natural tendency was to lean into the authority I thought came with being a parent. Unlike my professional experience, though, he did not have more tenure and was smaller than me so I could indeed rely on what my positional authority as a parent (and I did). That said, the long term results are always better when we lead based on influence rather than issuing directives. More on that later…

To say Matt could be a handful was an understatement. But don’t take my word for it, ask his wife and I’m sure she’ll tell you that he still has that potential today. (You’re welcome to pray for her and Cindy if you’re so inclined!) The teacher Matt had while he was in a Pre-K program was nothing short of wonderful; she understood his desire to be in charge and to have fun, and she provided him with opportunities so those needs were met. That changed in Kindergarten. I won’t name names, but I will say that it was a gift from God that the teacher was a woman. Had it been a man, hands would have been thrown for sure. She did nothing to fill his needs or to manage his behavior, leading to committees and the push for medication, because sedating a 5 year old was clearly easier than setting or maintaining clear expectations.

Around that same time, we experienced some odd behavior at home. Cindy, with her strong intuition, quickly realized that it was more than him blowing off our direction and sought out a medical opinion. We soon learned that he was experiencing petit mal seizures. While those are considered minor in the grand scheme of things, it falls in line with the idea of “minor” surgery; the only type of minor surgery is the kind that someone else has. Cindy and I were young in our marriage and in our careers, and had not experienced anything like that. Throw in all the other factors and the stress seemed to multiply.

Everything I had encountered to that point had provided me with at least the illusion of having some level of control. Bad situations like health crises (especially when it’s your child or spouse) expose control illusions; facing them head-on reveals seeds of deeper empathy. Thinking back to the eleven attributes of a leader I shared previously from Napoleon Hill’s work, the eighth rings true here: “The successful leader must be in sympathy with their followers. Moreover, they must understand them and their problems.” Leading a family carries a wildly different dynamic than leading a team in the workplace, and neither sympathy or empathy had been traits I really understood to that point. We’ll look at some of the ripple effects that followed next. First, though, I want you to recall an overwhelming family trial you’ve been through. Jot down the emotions that come to mind, as well as any blind spot you’re now able to identify through that.

Just so I don’t leave you hanging, I’ll share quickly that Matt grew out of the petit mal seizures. Praise God! And despite having that high D blend like me, he’s an amazing son, husband, and dad today.

The Ripple Effects Impact All Aspects of Life

During a session with John Maxwell a few years ago, I heard him share the approach he frequently took when any group he was part of had an idea he wasn’t too keen on. Rather than squashing the idea outright, he would gently suggest that those most interested form a committee to analyze all the details for a successful rollout. His lesson was that if you need a task completed quickly, assign it to an individual (or even a few individuals); committees are where even the best ideas go to die. Hearing John detail that took me right back to the committee Matt’s teacher and principal formed all those years prior. I can’t point to a single thing they accomplished other than blaming a small child for all the misfortunes in their lives - and in what ended up being the only time I was invited to sit in, I was very specific in telling them so.

Cindy and I were already spinning all the plates we thought we possibly could. Adding neurology appointments into the mix not only required time we had little of, it brought an emotional burden neither of us had ever experienced. Dealing with your own health issue can be a heavy burden, but seeing your child deal with one is exponentially concerning. That’s where any illusion of control is removed…

While our careers were progressing, neither of us had an abundance of paid time off built up with our respective employers. The appointments - with doctors and with the school - were sucking up what little we had. Eventually, Cindy opted to move into a quasi-parttime capacity. She maintained the same title and responsibilities, but that change provided her flexibility in weeks where she couldn’t get in her full 40 hours. That allowed her to be present for Matt, which was a tremendous blessing, but it didn’t help our already tight finances. 

Soon after that, we decided to move Matt from the public school that had been on our last nerve for quite some time to a private school, hoping the change would provide him with more one-on-one attention. That came with its own set of challenges. The teachers were wonderful. The price tag, however, was less than wonderful and we had to provide his transportation. Cindy’s job flexibility made that possible, but it cut into her hours - which had an immediate impact on our income that was already stretched very thin. I remember getting a call from her one extremely foggy morning, letting me know that they had been in a minor accident. Praise God they were okay, although the car we had recently bought for under $1,000 was not. And I had no idea what we could do about it.

Earlier, I shared about the illusion of “fine,” detailing how mediocrity can masquerade as stability. Truth be told, that illusion of “fine” is in no way limited to mediocrity. Our careers seemed to be progressing as well as we could have hoped. But toss the other stressors in the mix - financial pressure, concerns for our kids, a very tight schedule, and still being newly weds - and the ripple effects were indeed impacting all aspects of our lives. Family adversity tests self-control and responsibility; owning our role prevents resentment and unlocks cooperative growth. We didn’t realize it at the time, but that also served as valuable seeds to other greater benefits we’d uncover down the road. In the moment, it helped me learn how sympathy grows in the trenches. We’ll pick up there next. First, I’ll challenge you to consider how you’ve experienced family struggles spilling over into your professional life and consider how that perspective could help you be more empathetic with the team you lead.