For our purposes here, I believe it would serve us all well (me included) to differentiate sympathy and empathy. Here are the key differences I found in a quick Google search: 

• Definition: Sympathy is feeling concern or compassion for someone's hardship. Empathy is the ability to truly understand and feel what another person is experiencing from their perspective.
• Perspective: Sympathy keeps the focus on your own feelings (e.g., "I feel sorry for you"). Empathy focuses on the other person's experience (e.g., "I understand your pain").
• Connection: Sympathy can feel detached or create distance, sometimes leading to superficial comfort. Empathy builds connection, intimacy, and trust.
• Action: Sympathy often results in offering pity or trying to "fix" the problem, which can feel dismissive. Empathy involves validation and active listening, sitting with the person in their emotion.

Make no mistake, when Cindy and I came to terms with some of the issues Matthew was dealing with, I wasn’t very good at either. With my highly DRIVEN behavioral style, I’ve never been one to offer much pity but I most definitely look for any possible way I can jump in and fix whatever someone so much as hints may be broken. Unfortunately, I have indeed seen that be received as dismissive. When it came to Matt’s health, fixing it just wasn’t within my control - and that sucked.

Before I go on, let’s address one thing so there’s no confusion later. I realize Hill’s eighth leadership attribute says “The successful leader must be in sympathy with their followers. Moreover, they must understand them and their problems.” Since I wasn’t around in 1937 when Think and Grow Rich was published, and since we can’t go back in time to ask him directly, I’m going to make the case that what he shared aligns with the idea of empathy that we’re looking at here.

Learning to understand the problems Matt would be working through as he approached adolescence required me to actively listen rather than attempting to fix it. That called for a tremendous amount of patience in order to gain the deep understanding I’d need - and that was damn hard. This was a seed that required a type of relational soil that professional setbacks rarely demand. In the workplace, it’s often a matter of out-working the problem or identifying how we can move team members around to get the necessary results; family doesn’t work that way.

While I won’t pretend that I learned to practice this kind of empathy overnight, I can say that this - coupled with the financial struggles we were working through at the same time - was a valuable seed that I’d find myself nurturing for years to come. We’ll dig into that in more detail later. For now, I’ll share that living those experiences allows me to show empathy in many situations today that I had no way of doing back then.

We’ll push forward by looking at how consistency can help us through whatever chaos we’re facing shortly. First, give some thought to how that eighth attribute could apply to a family challenge you’ve faced. Consider how you handled it then, what you could have done differently, and how anything you’ve learned from it helps you be more empathetic today.

Consistency Amid Chaos

As I think back on Matt’s first few years of elementary school, I can point to far more things I did wrong than I did right. In complete transparency, I continue to sift through those scenarios today for seeds that can help me continue building the empathy I just didn’t understand at the time. And who knows, I may just get the hang of it someday…

Through all the things I could have done better, I could still hang my hat on my work ethic and willingness to be extremely consistent. While most of that was focused on our professional responsibilities, it was at least helping us keep our heads above water financially (for the most part). Learning Napoleon Hill’s eighth leadership attribute, at least for me, seems to be a lifelong pursuit. His tenth, though, fell in line a bit more naturally since I had some great experiences to build on during my early teens. Controlling the things I could control - showing up when and where I said I would, giving each task everything I had, and doing both more consistently than anyone else around - served as my foundation for what Hill referred to as a “willingness to assume full responsibility.” He went on to share that “the successful leader must be willing to assume full responsibility for the mistakes and the shortcomings of their followers. If he/she tries to shift this responsibility, they will not remain leaders. If one of the followers makes a mistake, and shows themselves incompetent, the leader must consider that it is he/she who failed.”

I couldn’t control many of the things we were working through - Matt’s health, the school challenges, or home issues Cindy and I occasionally butted heads on - so I leaned into the one thing I felt like I had some control over: working wherever and whenever I could, for whoever would pay me, with hopes of at least fending off some of financial pressure. As I started getting requests to support other facilities’ behavior-based safety processes across North America, I realized I just wouldn’t be able to continue juggling the occasional construction work I had been doing on the side. Even then, though, I continued pursuing anything that appeared to have the slightest glimmer of opportunity to provide extra money, career growth, or both. More on that later on…

Although that may (and I stress may) have helped us financially, I was definitely not effective in balancing all the work with everything that needed my attention at home. There was no real boiling point moment that I can remember, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t plenty of chaos. And unchecked chaos, in any aspect of our lives, can erode everything else. I needed to learn to be as consistent in practicing empathy with Cindy and the kids as I was in showing up professionally. What I learned (even though it wasn’t nearly as fast as it should have been) was that consistent small acts at home build cooperation and begin to reveal the influence necessary to truly lead; that didn’t just apply to work.

Even without hitting a boiling point, there were still some pivotal moments that required firm decisions. We’ll dig into some of those next. Until then, consider a family issue you’ve struggled with - in the past or currently - and look at the patterns that could have contributed to it. With this heightened awareness, what small changes could have an immediate impact (assuming you’re willing to stick with them consistently)?

Pivotal Moments - Choosing Service Over Self

During a recent conversation about an idea for a chapter in a book she’s working on, Cindy shared how she often hears folks confuse explanations with excuses. She detailed how someone she coached was hesitant to go into any specifics about a particular issue because they knew “leaders didn’t make excuses.” Without working through a thorough explanation for the issue, though, there’s little chance of identifying the contributing factors or finding the seeds that would lead to the equal or greater benefit moving forward. If we simply write off any attempt at explaining a bad situation as making an excuse, are we accepting full responsibility for the issue or are we avoiding it (even if that’s not our intent)?

If memory serves, I was working at a facility in Cozad, Nebraska in May 2004 when Cindy called to tell me that her car had broken down yet again. For perspective, we had scraped enough money together for this car after the foggy-morning accident that did in the previous $700 car. I’ve never had a ton of patience with much of anything, but car issues have always seemed to frustrate me more and faster than everything else, likely because I’ve never understood anything about vehicles. Had I been at work in Harrisonburg, it would have still been annoying but at least I could have jumped into my worn out Dodge Dakota to go get her. Being more than halfway across the country and that Dakota sitting in an economy parking lot at some airport compounded the frustration - and helplessness.

If that had been the first time dealing with this type of scenario, I doubt it would have been memorable; it most definitely was not the first time though! At that point, it seemed like every time I got on a stupid airplane to provide training at some other plant, a car broke down. Thank God for a lifelong friend who was a great mechanic and always willing to rescue Cindy when I was gone (more on that another time). It was hard enough for me to provide Cindy with the empathy she needed in those situations; I usually only managed to share some mild sympathy coupled with extreme frustration due to not knowing how or having the means to fix the problem my limited sympathy was directed at. Indeed, excuses would not have served either of us, but a detailed explanation was crucial if we ever hoped to turn the corner. Not an explanation for why the car always broke when I traveled, but an explanation for why we were in a spot where a breakdown wrecked everything else we had going on.

Practicing the limited empathy I could muster (Hill’s eighth leadership attribute) and being willing to accept full responsibility (his tenth leadership attribute) - even for things I felt I had no control over whatsoever - helped me get to a spot where I could begin earning cooperation in these tough spots (the eleventh leadership attribute). Hill defined that by saying, “the successful leader must understand and apply the principle of cooperative effort and be able to induce the followers to do the same. Leadership calls for power, and power calls for cooperation.”

Make no mistake, this “cooperation” was an attempt to manipulate Cindy into doing whatever I said. If anything, it was me working to earn her support as we sifted through every idea we could come up with to get beyond that mess. As much as I enjoyed being able to serve my peers in other facilities across the country, my primary responsibilities were at home - and often fighting issues with that piece of shit car. As a quick side note on that car, the breakdowns were just part of the problem. Any time we got a hard rain, we could count on having several inches of water standing on the passenger side floorboard. That was my first sunroof experience and I’ve been permanently scarred since.

Things didn’t change overnight following that phone call about the breakdown while I was in Cozad, NE but it did serve as a pivotal moment; I began looking for ways I could intentionally choose to serve my family over myself (read: my ego). That demanded brutal honesty and selfless action, neither of which were comfortable. But both were mandatory if I wanted to show genuine empathy and cultivate the cooperation necessary for the leadership foundation I needed to rise above the mess we were dealing with.

Before moving on, let’s clarify something: earning leadership at home is much like earning leadership in a professional environment. But we can’t confuse either with managing behavior through the authority we think we have based on a title (executive or parent). If we apply each of the leadership attributes I’ve referenced here, we have a shot of earning the influence necessary to lead even when we’re not physically present. Without that influence, our best hope is for compliance while we’re standing over someone’s shoulder - be that our employees or our family members - and that’s not leadership.

Believe it or not, some of the toughest issues we face in our personal lives can serve as valuable seeds that grow into professional growth. Next, we’ll work through how navigating these pivotal moments effectively can help empathy, cooperation, and responsibility emerge. Now, though, I’d like for you to identify one family pattern (past or present) needing a pivot. Then commit to one clear first step you can take immediately - and commit to it.