Isolation Tests Purpose

The cost of ostracism was real, financially and emotionally. In addition to all the private conversations painting us as the bad guys for taking a moral stand, the individual who actually told those ladies that he wouldn’t help them unless they slept with him got down right nasty about us in front of several hundred people at an event in Johnson City, TN. Not only were so many of the folks we thought were close friends in the room, our newly married daughter was there with her husband as was our teenage son.

Earlier I mentioned the very primal urge to “absolutely pummel that character-less piece of shit” when Cindy shared the issue with me initially. I allowed self-control to have a place then, but it was far more difficult that night in Tennessee. Had I not nurtured so many previous adversities to strengthen my self-control, I’m not sure how that would have unfolded. If I’m being honest, I’ve learned that my best option where that person is involved, even more than a decade removed, is keeping my distance. If he’s not in arm’s reach, the pummeling is less likely to occur.

The same guy had frequently picked on Matt long before any of this unfolded. Interestingly enough, most of that occurred when I wasn’t nearby. For the first few years of it, Matt was young and tolerated it. As Matt grew and as he developed a love for wrestling (as opposed to ‘rastlin’), his tolerance waned. Matt was a bit of a handful then and our relationship was rocky at best. (Praise God, it’s nothing short of amazing today!) That said, he’s never wavered even slightly in his loyalty to me and Cindy. It was all I could do to keep him from tackling that jackass in front of everyone there.

That scenario did, however, provide me and Cindy with the opportunity to lean into several areas where we did have complete control, and that served as seeds of future cooperative growth. In many bad situations, it can be tough to look for or find the seed of equal or greater opportunity. This one was so hard, we had no other choice but to search with every fiber of our being, every step of the way.

As we navigated that mess, we were successful in earning influence silently - all while that fiery darts kept coming at us. Before we take a closer look at earning influence in silence, I’ll challenge you to think about a time where a professional value struggle spilled into another area of your life. Jot down how you handled it then and what lesson you learned from it - and any new lesson you can pull from it now.

Influence Earned in Silence

Because we chose to take a moral stand and just were not willing to compromise our values, our financial opportunities tied to that multi-level marketing venture never really recovered. But digging in on what I knew was right provided more value than we would have ever gotten there; the seeds the real value grew from just took a while to germinate and grow.

Had I opted to turn a blind eye to the issue when Cindy brought it to my attention, or to brush it off when anyone we made aware of it shunned us, I would have effectively sacrificed any respect I would have hoped to maintain from Cindy, our kids, and everyone else who was aware of the issue - regardless of how closely connected any of the others were to the fallout. Cindy and our kids were directly in the mix. A few folks had close proximity, knowing about some of it even before Cindy and I did. Many others, though, had no idea of the specifics but they knew us well enough to be completely certain that how we were being treated wasn’t something we deserved.

I’ve emphasized this a few times already, but I’ll do it again here for clarity: I share none of this as a sob story or with any hope of garnering your sympathy. This was indeed one of the most significant adversities I had experienced to that point in my life but I’d bet you’ve had your share of similar or worse adversities. My hope is that this helps you pull any possible seed to equal or greater benefit from those and to do everything in your power to make that seed grow!

Taking that stance, regardless of how much turmoil it created, helped us continue building on the credibility we had been working so hard to earn in the business community - from peers in close proximity as well as with other leaders we hadn’t even met yet, some of which was just based on the confidence we developed through taking a hard stand on the values we refuse to compromise. Pivoting through bad professional situations, leaning on the keen sense of justice and willingness to accept complete responsibility that Hill described builds authentic relational power. Quiet consistency in the face of ostracism earns trust no title can grant.

As tough as that was at the time, we’ve seen many of the folks who severed ties with us back then eventually go through similar adversities with the ones we took a stand against all those years ago. While I’ve never wished bad on them, I also didn’t have sympathy for them. How we do one thing is nearly always how we do everything. They had front row seats to what they could eventually expect for themselves; it was never a matter of IF it could happen to them, it was just a matter of WHEN they would be on the receiving end.

No matter the immediate financial cost, opting to negotiate the importance of our own core values would have led to significant setbacks in our long term strategic growth. We’ll work through that idea in more detail next. Before that, think about a specific adversity you’ve dealt with where your values were in question. Looking back, what could you have done differently? How will any seed you found in that adversity help you build quiet strength and earn even more influence moving forward?

Negotiating Value Turns Setbacks into Strategic Growth

Living through such an extended period of scarcity and digging our way out of that near-foreclosure experience certainly strengthened our resolve, but it also provided us with seeds we could nurture toward significantly greater opportunities later on. Those seeds served as a foundation for the confidence I’d need to decline the lowball offer to accept global responsibility, even though it still stung. Having learned to live on far less, I knew we’d be just fine where we were and was able to negotiate from principle instead of desperation.

Living through those two professional adversities back-to-back indeed forged how I’ve been able to continue modeling a keen sense of justice and a willingness to accept complete responsibility since, but neither would have materialized as well without learning the importance of developing definite plans in our tight times. Learning to make the best of professional stumbles isn’t mere recovery, it’s intentional preparation that transforms undervaluation and moral tests into chains of purpose-driven leadership readiness. When we can consistently pull lessons for our adversities, whether they’re in our personal or professional lives, we position ourselves to identify our seeds quickly and begin the nurturing process much sooner. Like it or not, the adversities will continue - but how we handle them can improve dramatically.

We’ll close this look analyzing professional setbacks and (properly) negotiating our value with yet another list of questions challenging you to take immediate action. Before we do, though, think back on some of your previous reflections through this process and outline how one professional pivot could amplify your current leadership impact!

Mining Professional Setbacks for Justice & Responsibility Seeds

Here’s a quick reminder: I’m not sharing any of this for sympathy. Hell, I don’t want it! I’m also not reliving any of this to shine a negative light on anyone. If that were the case, I’d be listing their names and tagging them on social media - and some of them absolutely deserve that and far more. In complete transparency, it would be significantly easier for me to have never dug back through a few of the memories I’ve detailed here; the lowball offer and what happened when an opportunity turned toxic were the hardest professional situations I had dealt with to that point. But having never experienced them, I wouldn’t have been as prepared to handle some of the things we worked through since. Because we intentionally mined those professional setbacks for justice and responsibility seeds, though, we’ve been able to navigate far more complex adversities in the years since with relative ease.

Like we’ve done in wrapping up each part of the story I’ve lived leading up to where we’re at now, here are five questions I want you to work through so you can find any possible seeds that help build your keen sense of justice and willingness to accept full responsibility from whatever hand you may have been dealt.

• What professional setback (low offer, moral dilemma, ostracism, etc.) still carries weight for you?
• What blind spot or habit did it reveal, and what seed of greater purpose (e.g., justice or responsibility) was hidden?
• How could a decisive pivot strengthen your sense of justice or willingness to assume full responsibility?
• In what ways might nurturing this seed improve your influence without title—at home or work?
• What three small, immediate actions can you take this week to plant and nurture it?

Make no mistake, I’m not suggesting you accept responsibility for things that were out of your control when they occurred. I am, however, challenging you to take complete responsibility for how you handled those adversities (or how you handle future adversities) and how that keen sense of justice drives your decisions. As you do, targeted reflection will help you turn professional bad situations into leadership gold. Start negotiating your value with integrity today and share one immediate action step you can take with someone you trust to hold you accountable.