A Framework for Relational Leadership

From the beginning of this look at leveraging leadership growth, we’ve worked through simple things we can each take action on to become more effective through the great professional relationships we likely already have in place. I’ll stress once more: there’s no such thing as a self-made leader. I’ve never met anyone successful who’s accomplished it all on their own - and I’ve worked to paint a picture through this process of just how much I owe to the amazing leaders and mentors I’ve learned from along the way.

Before moving on, I need to make something abundantly clear. The handful I’ve named specifically have indeed blessed me beyond measure, but they’re just the tip of an extremely large iceberg. I could go on and on about the specific lessons I’ve learned from so many people. In fact, maybe I could create one of those little desk calendars that lists one for each day of the year? Time will tell…

Right now, though, I have a more pressing obligation. Leadership growth is a lifelong journey fueled by intentional, authentic relationships. But those relationships rarely fall into place on their own. Make no mistake, God has certainly put numerous people in my life exactly when I needed them. And while I’m more grateful than I could ever explain, I’m certain that many of those connections would not have happened had I waited until I felt like pursuing relationships with anyone, let alone those who have stretched me immensely through the mentoring process.

Cindy and I both worked in large organizations for about twenty years, hers being a local hospital that employed close to 2,000 people and mine being a manufacturing facility with less than a thousand in our location but ten times that across North America. We had both built extensive networks within those organizations and throughout the space each operated in. When I accepted a new role with a small, family-owned company in late 2014, the most difficult part was leaving so many people I knew and cared about. I knew all 650 (or so at the time) of my coworkers by name, including the newest to join the organization. I had met many of their families and I was familiar with a lot of their hobbies. That said, my professional network outside those walls was lacking to say the least.

Since Cindy’s last few positions before transitioning into our business full time were in business development, she had a bit of a head start in becoming visible with more people. While in my last few W2 roles with human resources and safety responsibility, I had a reasonable amount of interaction outside the companies I worked for, but it was still limited to folks within those specific circles. But from the time we started our business, and specifically when we hosted our first public event in late 2015, we’ve been incredibly intentional about actively building our spheres of influence - our professional networks, if you will. Doing that meant drawing from all the lessons we had each learned leading up to that point, and learning as much as we could along the way.

I’ve frequently had conversations with friends or peers who, when I’ve mentioned the different events Cindy and I are purposeful in attending, say something like “I just don’t enjoy going to those things like you all do.” To which I nearly always reply, “there’s no rule saying you have to like it.” Earlier I shared the story about my friend who compared our newest rescue dogs to me and Cindy. He and I are the same age, he just started his business a few years before we started ours. Not long ago, he and I were at a networking event where a young man asked the two of us for advice. His was simple: “Just show up.” Mine, while equally simple, built on that: “Give a shit.” 

When we’re willing to put ourselves in a position to establish new relationships, consistently, our opportunities to capitalize on each of the things we’ve worked through leading up to this point are almost limitless. That won’t happen if we don’t show up. But if we’re taking the time to show up, giving a shit sure does help maximize the return on those relationships! As simple as that may seem, I want to tie this all together by providing a practical framework for leveraging relationships to guide and sustain leadership growth. A structured approach will ensure consistent leadership success and legacy. With that in mind, let’s start that process by laying a relational foundation.

Laying the Relational Foundation

I’ve woven the importance of trust, in one way or another, into every aspect we’ve worked through for leveraging leadership growth. That said, I’m still not sure I’ve done enough to stress how crucial it really is. We’ve all heard the saying, “We do business with people we know, like, and trust.” As accurate as that is, it doesn’t tell the whole story.

Just after starting my last full time role as a human resources and safety manager for a commercial contractor, I remember a ten-minute ride to lunch with the company’s insurance agent. He knew I had worked closely with one of his competitors. During the drive to the restaurant he made at least three inaccurate statements about the company as a whole and the people I had interacted with directly. He made one more just as we sat down at our table. As the waiter stepped up to get our drink order, I told the agent that I was going to have a really tough time working with him since he had told several things I knew to be untrue in just the first fifteen minutes I had known him. To say that put him on edge for the remainder of our meal and through each interaction we had moving forward is a bit of an understatement. I learned to tolerate him while I was in that role, but I was never able to force myself to like him. I started a deep-dive into studying The Model of Human Behavior a few months later and was relieved to learn that I wasn’t just some unreasonable asshole; everyone who’s more task-oriented struggles to like someone they don’t trust. For what it’s worth, I interacted with that agent heavily through the 24 months that followed and he only proved that initial impression correct…

With that in mind, think about the suggestions my friend and I gave the young man who asked for our advice: “Show up” and “Give a shit.” If we attempt to bake a cake and skip any single ingredient, we can’t expect the outcome to look (or taste) anything like the picture on the box. Although we only gave that young man two very concise ingredients, doing one without the other would not produce the results we knew to be possible - or the results he was after. And without doing both with a completely genuine spirit, there’s little chance of achieving the like or trust necessary to earn a long-term business relationship.

A strong relational foundation is essential for leadership (and every other relationship). As with building any kind of structure we need to last over the long haul, trust is a must have as we start creating a framework for relational leadership. Only then do we have a solid place to work from in structuring candid feedback. Before we look at that, though, think about one opportunity you have to build more trust in a critical relationship.

Structuring Candid Feedback

Early on, I emphasized how valuable it’s been for me to have close to a dozen people in my life at this point who I can count on for something called “Alliance Feedback,” helping me harness the power of candid conversations. In addition to detailing how I’ve benefited from receiving that alliance feedback from mentors as well as several clients we’ve built strong relationships with today, I also shared how I’ve seen far too many in leadership roles who avoid this kind of candid feedback at all costs.

Make no mistake, our framework for relational leadership will never withstand the weight we need it to unless the foundation is built on trust. Without that foundation of trust in place, though, even the best intended candid feedback can fall on deaf ears. If genuine trust hasn’t been established, it’s much more likely to come across as the dreaded “constructive criticism” than anything resembling an alliance. The folks I’ve seen work the hardest to avoid candid feedback of any kind, they’ve also been the ones who had little trust that anyone else would have their best interests in mind - usually because they always have an angle of their own when providing feedback to the people around them.

I share the story about Terry telling me I was fat in jest. Not only did he precede that by saying just how proud he was of everything he’d seen us do in the years leading up to our conversation, he followed that very candid comment by explaining exactly why he made it; he shared his concern for my long term health and the perception many of our potential clients could have if I allowed my weight to continue climbing. Not only did structuring that candid feedback build on the alliance he and I had built through the two decades prior, it strengthened the relational structure we had in place.

Having provided mentorship for many other leaders myself at this point, I’m beginning to understand how tough it’s been for Terry to be so candid with me over the years. His willingness to do it, though, continues to provide me with an example to hopefully live up to. Structured feedback definitely enhances relational leadership, but we’ll never get the full value without having diverse thought built into our framework - and our relationships. We’ll pick up with that next. Until then, think about how you can work to provide more structure in any feedback you offer, building alliances instead of giving “constructive criticism”...

Building a Diverse Framework

As we started this look at building a framework for relational leadership, I mentioned the depth of the networks Cindy and I had established within the organizations we were each with for nearly two decades and I shared how lacking we realized our professional networks were as we stepped outside those roles. While extending our individual networks was necessary in the roles we held in smaller businesses, it became mandatory when we stepped into self-employment. 

I recently had the chance to be part of an interview on a friend’s YouTube channel where we talked with the guitar player for a band that’s toured all over the world since the early 90s. He commented on being an entertainer, not a musician. He said that there were thousands of people who were better guitar players than him, but learning to entertain an audience has allowed him to play music for a living for the last thirty-five years. Cindy and I experienced the same thing, just tied to the space we work in. We occasionally stumble onto brilliant work by someone we’ve never heard of and we frequently see people get paid gobs of money for being mediocre - at best. In each case, their networks have been key to their success (or lack there of).

In introducing the idea of this framework, I also shared how many networking events we’ve attended since starting our business, even when we didn’t feel like it. In many cases early on, especially the times where we would have rather been anywhere else, we found ourselves interacting with people we already knew and had opportunities to talk with routinely; it was comfortable. Over time, though, we’ve forced ourselves to be very intentional about keeping those conversations brief so we can dedicate our time and energy at those events to establishing connections with folks we may not meet otherwise. Extending the breadth of our professional network has provided us with a larger foundation to build from, but building diversity into that framework has served us equally well.

I occasionally hop on a soapbox to rant about how focusing solely on diversity in an organization, just for the sake of being diverse, delivers little value on its own. But creating genuine inclusion across those different skills, thoughts, and backgrounds can drive tremendous growth - if we do it for the right reasons and we constantly work at it. Diversity without inclusion often creates a bigger mess than it solves. But without diversity, very little progress is made.

Cindy and I fought to build a diverse network, often forcing ourselves not to hang with the same crowd every time we showed up at an event. While that’s broadened our connections and our reach, it’s also opened doors to different perspectives we didn’t have before. Even the most structured candid feedback coming from someone who thinks like we do may never initiate change. Over time, building a diverse framework has allowed us to learn from a wide range of perspectives. Whether that’s been feedback on events we’ve hosted or spoken at, courses we’ve created, or just perspective on issues business leaders face, incorporating diversity into our structure strengthens our overall relational framework. And we’re exponentially better because of it!

Earlier, we looked at the strength of humility as we leverage leadership growth. We’ll dig into how that ties into this framework next. Before that, I’ll challenge you to look for opportunities to add a diverse voice in your plans so the feedback you’re working from isn’t the same thing you’ve always heard.