Receiving Feedback Without Losing Confidence

To have any hope of taking advantage of the untapped power of honest feedback, we absolutely must develop the skill set of accepting that feedback without justifying our existing performance or allowing the feedback to eat away at our confidence. I mentioned previously how much it stung, especially early on, when Terry would pull me into his office and point out things I’d need to work on when covering information in front of a group. I remember several times where I was quick to explain why I did whatever I did. I can still picture him nodding his head patiently until I finished, then politely explaining exactly how what he was suggesting would help me achieve better results. I’m forever grateful that he never gave up on me through what had to be an incredibly painful process where he had nothing to gain and it routinely sucked up time in his extremely busy schedule. Over time, that interaction has built a powerful alliance for honest dialogue - and we’ll dig into that more shortly.

Terry was always intentional about highlighting even the smallest steps I had taken to implement his previous suggestions as well as areas where he saw me excelling. Even when pointing out opportunities where I could improve, he was careful to make sure his delivery didn’t eat away at the little bit of confidence I had at that point. That’s so helpful when we’re receiving feedback, and something we should all keep in mind when we’re the one delivering that feedback!

Not long ago, I sat down beside a mentor immediately after Cindy and I delivered a keynote for one of the largest audiences we’ve spoken for. While I’ve been speaking in front of groups for over two and a half decades, the human part of me still wants that message to go over well and be accepted by the people we’re sharing with. This particular time came with even more pressure based on the event we were at and the global responsibility this mentor holds. Before he pointed out his favorite parts about our delivery, he made sure I could see the impact we had made on the crowd through his eyes. He even called me out on looking at any potential negatives first, and I definitely had been just before that! After detailing several things that he was very impressed with, none of which were taken lightly since he routinely works with some of the most influential leaders on the planet, he mentioned three specific things he thought we could work to improve. As the day went on, during his scheduled speaking spots at the same event, he showed me exactly what each of those things could look like in practice. 

Had he not been as intentional as he was to build my confidence first, I’m not sure I would have received his suggestions as openly - and I’d like to think I’ve built a strong self-image. Just like the primary driver in me wanting to show Terry that I was applying what he had taught me, I wanted this mentor to be proud of us too. Interestingly enough, his approach to offering that Alliance Feedback after our keynote was nearly identical to what Terry had followed so many years prior, and to the feedback methodology we taught in behavior-based safety. 

There’s one key point I need to stress before we go any further: we all need to be very cautious about who we actively solicit feedback from. A harsh reality of the world we live in is that not everyone wants to see us succeed. Many people are very willing to criticize and have no interest whatsoever in us ever achieving anything of significance. In fact, a lot of them would prefer we fail miserably so they don’t look like lazy schmucks. While I’m not suggesting that we can’t learn something from even the most toxic person, we’d do well to take it with a grain of salt so the confidence we’ve worked so hard to build isn’t destroyed by some jerk that’s not doing anything positive for anyone around them.

As we build alliances that allow for routine honest dialogue, our professional relationships get stronger and we unlock more of our leadership potential. Before we work through how we can do this, I’ll challenge you to consider who the people are in your life that you can count on for the kind of feedback that helps you grow without eating away at your confidence. I’ll also challenge you to work on being someone who can provide feedback to others in a way that doesn’t impact their confidence.

Building an Alliance for Honest Dialogue

As we looked at why many folks in leadership roles avoid feedback, I shared examples of how some leaders aren’t necessarily avoiding feedback; they just aren’t getting honest input from the folks closest to them on where they have opportunities for growth. In most cases, these leaders are in little danger of losing confidence from receiving feedback that doesn’t tickle their ears. The ones I’ve seen deal with this the most are those who have tremendous influence and juggle incredibly busy schedules. All too often, their team members get caught up in jockeying for position and fall victim to the idea that sharing anything less than positive with their leader would diminish their own importance.

I could list all kinds of reasons someone would shy away from providing honest feedback to an influential leader, especially if they report directly to that leader and they’re insecure enough in their own skin that they believe the leader would shun them for doing so. While I understand this type of reluctance to some degree, it only serves to emphasize the importance of building strong alliances that allow for honest dialogue. I’ll say it once more to be sure it sticks: there’s no such thing as a self-made leader. The saying, “We don’t know what we don’t know” rings so true and we aren’t very likely to ever know on our own. Actively working to build alliances that lead to honest dialogue is important for all of us, but even more so for a leader whose team members are a little too willing to nod in agreement when a bit of respectful push-back could help everyone involved.

I learned early in my interaction with Terry that I could count on receiving what I perceived then as constructive criticism. As that relationship developed, I began to understand that his input wasn’t meant to be critical but to serve as feedback on how I could be more effective - specifically in training on the behavior-based safety initiative he and I were both involved with. Over time, the things I went to him about were no longer limited to that process; I realized that he was willing to provide me with “Alliance Feedback” that was helping me grow in every aspect of my professional life. Even then, though, it took years to develop our alliance to a point where there was truly honest dialogue. My responses were far too reactionary at first, me attempting to save face even when there was no need. I didn’t get comfortable with having an actual conversation until years into our interaction. Make no mistake, this wasn’t because of anything he was doing. I just hadn’t developed my own self-image to a point where I believed my input was worth considering since he had served as the primary example I was learning from.

Regardless of where we are in our careers or the role we fill in the alliances we’ve built, we need to be very intentional about establishing an atmosphere that allows for mutual growth through candid conversations. If we’re the one providing feedback on how someone can improve, we need to allow them the space to share their perspective to have any hope of them being able to internalize what we’ve suggested. Having them simply nod in agreement doesn’t equate to them being willing to put it into action. We also need to foster a culture where our team members feel comfortable openly sharing their thoughts on ideas we present - especially when those thoughts make us aware of issues we weren’t previously aware of. If everyone around us is in agreement 100% of the time, bigger issues are on the horizon. None of us are that good and no growing organization is in lock step all day, every day. And when it comes to our peers, it’s critical to develop relationships with leaders who are willing to offer transparent input when they have nothing to gain. Terry set that example for me years ago, but now I’m blessed with close to a dozen folks I can have honest dialogue with to work through any issue we face.

I frequently emphasize that I’ve never felt like I’m very talented in any one thing. But between being willing to consistently out work nearly everyone around me and building strong relationships with leaders who are great in areas I’m not, I’ve had opportunities I couldn’t have imagined. One of the most powerful things I’ve gotten from the alliances that led to honest dialogue has been the chance to shape better decisions.

How Candid Conversations Shape Better Decisions

Earlier, I mentioned the HR Manager I worked with for over a decade providing a great example of having the confidence to connect with others and build relationships through the process. Whether it was during his time managing the human resource department locally or after he accepted a role based out of our company’s corporate office, Rod was always (and still is) willing to engage in the kind of honest dialogue necessary for sifting through options. I never reported directly to him, but I was part of his department for a long time so our interaction was very different from what I had with Terry. I can think of two very specific conversations with him that helped shape my career.

I had traveled to most of our organization’s facilities across North America between 2003 and 2009, supporting the fellow based in the UK who oversaw the entire behavior-based safety initiative company-wide. When he announced his retirement in early 2010, it seemed like a natural next step for me and, through everything I had done leading up to that point, I was the heir-apparent for his position. However, before I formally submitted my resume for consideration, I asked Rod for some time to discuss the potential move. Not only would accepting the role move me away from his department in our local facility, he had already significant experience supporting the corporate office so his perspective was very unique. To suggest any conversation with Rod was ever less than candid would be a huge understatement. I can’t say I always liked what he told me but I never had to guess where he stood - on any topic! The interaction prior to me applying for that position with global responsibility was no different. He told me that while he didn’t want to lose me, he would support whatever decision I made. 

He coached me on several things leading up to the interview process, and even scheduled a separate time to work through a practice interview with me before the real one. One other suggestion he made was to get clarity around everything I’d be expected to do in the role as well as the salary range before even agreeing to a formal interview. I did both, worked through the interview process with the gentlemen who was retiring and our corporate safety director, and was offered the position soon after. As it turned out, Rod’s suggestion to address the specifics of all I’d be responsible for and the compensation involved was key in my decision to turn down the offer. There were no real surprises with regards to the work I would have been doing, I had watched that firsthand for close to a decade. The salary was a show-stopper. The offer was less than two-thirds of what the corporate safety director initially said he thought was too low, and about half the market rate for that level of travel and responsibility. Had Rod and I not had that honest dialogue, I wouldn’t have had all the information I needed to make a good decision.

A few years later, I had grown bored. Having declined the role leading the company’s behavior-based safety initiative globally, I was topped out in that particular career path and I was chomping at the bit to take on more. Rod still lived locally but worked primarily out of a corporate location in Michigan at the time. There was a position opening up locally that would give me the opportunity to make a lateral move but allow me to develop a whole new set of skills. Like he had done before, Rod challenged me with things to consider before taking the first step. I listened, but I didn’t necessarily take it to heart like I had previously. I interviewed for and was offered the position. Not long after finally moving into the role full time (it took several months to back-fill the role I had been in and I attempted to juggle both during that time), the manager I was training with gave a short notice and left the company. I learned to swim at the deep end of the pool! I won’t pretend that I did everything right, but I worked my tail off and was able to produce solid results. While I developed a level of expertise that still serves me today, it didn’t take long to realize that one of the things Rod cautioned me about was absolutely correct. The role required a tremendous amount of focus on compliance and that was never going away; if anything, it was increasing over time. Being so focused on checking government boxes rather than working to intentionally develop the people around me was miserable (at least for me), regardless of how good I got at doing it.

In the first case, the honest dialogue with Rod helped me make one of the best career decisions I’ve ever made. The second conversation was every bit as candid, I just brushed off part of it and charged forward. While I have no regrets around my decision or anything that’s happened since, his input was spot-on. If nothing else, it may have helped me realize that the parts of the role that sucked the life out of me were not going away and that I’d need to make some changes of my own to find the fulfillment I was after.

The common thread that served as a foundation for the candid conversations I had with Rod, Terry, and many others since has been trust. Without having complete trust in the source we’re receiving feedback from, we won’t likely form the strong alliances necessary for honest dialogue - so we’ll dig into the role trust plays in candid conversations soon.